Okay so I am about to get personal. If you read my blog regularly or have read some of the earlier posts you are aware that I have suffered some health problems. One of my issues resulted in a hysterectomy (removal of the uterus and cervix) followed by two oopherectomies (removal of the ovaries). It was always my intention to have children, biologically that is. I wanted a little version of myself. I wanted to be able to give my future husband his offspring. However that was not fate's intention for me.
I suffered excruciating pain for 10 years. I went through two myomectomies and to bouts with the chemotherapy drug, Leuprolide. I even lost some of my hair. I tried to do anything possible to avoid a hysterectomy. I WANTED TO BIRTH CHILDREN. Eventually the pain was in complete control of my life. My quality of life was poor. My attitude was bad. Something had to be done. I made the decision to have surgery yet again. I was devastated this time because I knew this particular surgery was a finality. A nail in the coffin. There was no turning back. As I waited for the day of surgery to approach, I spent hours thinking of everything I was going to lose. I would be able to have children. I would be less of woman. I was an emotional wreck. The one thing I held onto was that I'd have my ovaries and maybe one day I could have a surrogate carry a child for me. Things didn't pan out that way. My left ovary died during the hysterectomy and was removed. Two months later a baseball size tumor developed near my right ovary. My GYN sent me to a gynecological oncologist who said I most likely had cancer. Surgery was needed to remove the tumor and check for free floating cancer cells. My ovary would stay. When I woke up the doctor informed me that he had to remove the ovary in order to remove the tumor. He had also removed my appendix. The tumor was benign but it was hard to focus on that. I knew that now I couldn't even have a surrogate. I knew that I now would begin menopause. And at 35 I had no idea what I was in for. Psychologically I was a mess. I fell into a depression that I ignored and tried to mask with destructive behavior. Worst of all I did not look to GOD to guide me. Well I looked to HIM but I didn't listen very well.
I have always looked at having children as a blessing. What I did not take into account is that I cannot bless myself. I cannot decide what blessings are intended for me. GOD is in control of this. After several months I had an epiphany. I was being silly. I was being selfish. I was trying to run my own show. I had to listen closely to GOD. GOD is the head of my life. HE knows what HE is doing and will never lead me down the wrong path. Since my surgeries in 2007 I have been able to do things that would have been a challenge had I had children. I asked GOD to use me as a vessel of blessings. I want to be used by GOD to bless others. In being a vessel of blessings, I have received many blessing. Those blessings that GOD intended for me. I was able to find peace in my FATHER, my LORD, my GOD.
If you want to know what GOD has in store for you, pray. But remember after you pray, you have to listen. Listen and hear. Do this carefully. My pastor reminded me that Paul go off by yourself and pray. Spend quiet time with yourself in an effort to hear GOD.
I was miserable when I didn't have to be. Once again I say Thank you GOD for choosing to love me, to protect me, to forgive me, to bless me and most importantly sacrificing YOUR SON, My Savior, JESUS CHRIST for me.
I now have one beautiful niece and two handsome nephews. I am the God mother of three loving boys. I am blessed.
I suffered excruciating pain for 10 years. I went through two myomectomies and to bouts with the chemotherapy drug, Leuprolide. I even lost some of my hair. I tried to do anything possible to avoid a hysterectomy. I WANTED TO BIRTH CHILDREN. Eventually the pain was in complete control of my life. My quality of life was poor. My attitude was bad. Something had to be done. I made the decision to have surgery yet again. I was devastated this time because I knew this particular surgery was a finality. A nail in the coffin. There was no turning back. As I waited for the day of surgery to approach, I spent hours thinking of everything I was going to lose. I would be able to have children. I would be less of woman. I was an emotional wreck. The one thing I held onto was that I'd have my ovaries and maybe one day I could have a surrogate carry a child for me. Things didn't pan out that way. My left ovary died during the hysterectomy and was removed. Two months later a baseball size tumor developed near my right ovary. My GYN sent me to a gynecological oncologist who said I most likely had cancer. Surgery was needed to remove the tumor and check for free floating cancer cells. My ovary would stay. When I woke up the doctor informed me that he had to remove the ovary in order to remove the tumor. He had also removed my appendix. The tumor was benign but it was hard to focus on that. I knew that now I couldn't even have a surrogate. I knew that I now would begin menopause. And at 35 I had no idea what I was in for. Psychologically I was a mess. I fell into a depression that I ignored and tried to mask with destructive behavior. Worst of all I did not look to GOD to guide me. Well I looked to HIM but I didn't listen very well.
I have always looked at having children as a blessing. What I did not take into account is that I cannot bless myself. I cannot decide what blessings are intended for me. GOD is in control of this. After several months I had an epiphany. I was being silly. I was being selfish. I was trying to run my own show. I had to listen closely to GOD. GOD is the head of my life. HE knows what HE is doing and will never lead me down the wrong path. Since my surgeries in 2007 I have been able to do things that would have been a challenge had I had children. I asked GOD to use me as a vessel of blessings. I want to be used by GOD to bless others. In being a vessel of blessings, I have received many blessing. Those blessings that GOD intended for me. I was able to find peace in my FATHER, my LORD, my GOD.
If you want to know what GOD has in store for you, pray. But remember after you pray, you have to listen. Listen and hear. Do this carefully. My pastor reminded me that Paul go off by yourself and pray. Spend quiet time with yourself in an effort to hear GOD.
I was miserable when I didn't have to be. Once again I say Thank you GOD for choosing to love me, to protect me, to forgive me, to bless me and most importantly sacrificing YOUR SON, My Savior, JESUS CHRIST for me.
I now have one beautiful niece and two handsome nephews. I am the God mother of three loving boys. I am blessed.
